By R. Murali Krishna, M.D.

Each of us experiences loss from the moment of birth. Loss is part of life, and we all must deal with it.

The pain of grief affects us deeply on many levels: physically, socially, intellectually, spiritually and of course emotionally.

Of all life’s traumas, losing a loved one is one of the most, if not the most, stressful events in a person’s life. The stress can be so intense for people in acute grief that these individuals are more often hospitalized for major illnesses, have higher rates of job absenteeism and tardiness, are more prone to accidents and are more susceptible to substance abuse, whether it be alcohol, drugs or food.

So how do you begin to cope with an event of such soul-tearing magnitude?

To some degree, your ability to recover will depend on the circumstances. A sudden, unexpected death can extend your grief or make it more severe, because you will not have had time to anticipate and prepare for the impending loss.

For example, adjusting to the sudden, tragic loss of a child may take years, while recovering from the death of an elderly person who had an incurable, painful illness may be easier – softened with thoughts that a loved one’s suffering has ended.

How you respond to loss also depends on your own life experiences, your support system, how well-rounded your lifestyle has been and the degree and depth of your spiritual understanding.

Generally speaking, though, loss can be eased through several means, six of which will be addressed here.

First, experience the pain. If you shut off your emotions or deny your feelings, you won’t move past your grief. You must confront the pain to be able to reconstruct and re-energize your life later.

Second, talk to people. For many, what helps most is to share their feelings. You need to be able to express your memories, anger, fears and sadness to others. If there is no one with whom you feel comfortable sharing, you may wish to keep a journal or write a letter to the person who has passed away. Sometimes joining a grief support group can be helpful, too.

Third, ask for help. Your friends want to help, but may be uncertain how best to do so. It’s OK to ask someone to make time to talk with you. Asking for help with chores, such as transporting your children, cleaning your house or doing your grocery shopping, is also a good way to allow those close to you to help, and it allows you to spend time in more productive ways. If figuring out what people can do to help is too big a task for you – and it may well be – then ask a close friend to take over that task.

R. Murali Krishna, M.D., president and COO, INTEGRIS Mental Health and the James L. Hall Jr. Center for Mind, Body and Spirit

Fourth, mind your health. In the midst of your grief, you may push aside basic health needs like exercise, a good diet and adequate rest. Each of these things affects your emotional state. It may be difficult to retain your normal, healthy habits, but you should not ignore them and jeopardize your health.

Fifth, explore your inner spirituality. You may be struggling with tough issues related to life, death and the concept of afterlife. To become more comfortable with those issues and to help resolve your grief, it may be good to seek support from and have conversations about spirituality with close friends or people in your church.

Finally, watch out for depression. Reactions to loss can create feelings and emotions similar to those experienced by people with depressive disorders. If your grief is severe or long-lasting, you should talk to your physician or a counselor to make sure your grief has not transitioned into depression.

Grief is different for everybody. There’s no way of knowing how long you will be affected, how long you will be distracted and unable to concentrate, or how long until your heart stops aching. If your approach to life is to try to anticipate what’s coming and when, prepare to be challenged by the uncertain nature of grief.

Think of grief as a block of stone in a field. It can be a stumbling block, something that causes you to trip and lose your way – becoming a barrier to progress. But it can also serve as a stepping stone, something that allows you to rise up and broaden your perspective – giving you the opportunity to rededicate and re-energize your life. Either way, the stone is the same. It’s what you choose to do with it that will decide your future levels of happiness and fulfillment.

The Five Effects of Grief
Physically, you may experience tightness in the chest or throat, difficulty breathing, fatigue or trouble sleeping and eating. Medical research has found that grief may make you more likely to develop heart problems as well.

Socially, you might find yourself withdrawn from others, or you might find yourself seeking others out in order to talk.

Intellectually, your ability to focus on tasks may be diminished.

Spiritually, you may experience dramatic changes in or reinforcement of your beliefs.

Emotionally, grief can cause you to feel a variety of emotions, including anger, guilt, fear, despair, relief, shock, numbness, anxiety or overwhelming sadness.

If you or a loved one are grieving, INTEGRIS can help. To learn how, call INTEGRIS Mental Health at (405) 717-9840.

R. Murali Krishna, M.D., is president and COO of INTEGRIS Mental Health Inc., one of the state’s largest providers of mental health services. He is also president of the James L. Hall Jr. Center for Mind, Body and Spirit. He has maintained a private psychiatry practice for more than 25 years and is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center.

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