When you hear the word conflict, how do you feel inside? Nervous, overwhelmed, challenged? For many of us conflict is to be avoided and minimized in our lives because it makes us uncomfortable. It can bring out the worst in all of us, and may trigger painful memories of past family conflict. Most of us have learned some unhealthy patterns of participating in conflict that don’t serve us well today. Confronting, arguing, distancing ourselves or even ending relationships to avoid confronting issues or setting boundaries with someone, may be options in our personal lives. But what happens when our most challenging conflict is at the workplace? A place where we have to go and be productive, pleasant and appropriate? Taking a closer look at the impact of workplace conflict, and some ways to resolve such situations, may be worthwhile.

The cost of unresolved conflict to you and your organization is significant.

• Loss of skilled employees: Research indicates that 50 percent of terminations are due to unresolved conflict. A terminated employee can cost an organization between 75 percent and 150 percent of their salary to replace. (Personnel Journal, Dec. 1990, p.58)
• Decisions made during conflict are not as good as those made in an atmosphere of cooperation.
• There is significant emotional cost from the pain and stress of conflicted work relationships and a negative atmosphere.
• Lost work time: Absenteeism correlates with job stress and increased use of sick leave. Individuals experiencing more stress are more likely to get sick.
• Health costs: The number of insurance claims affects an organization’s premium rates.
• Sabotage/theft/damage: At worst, conflict can lead to extreme reactions and retaliation, which are costly to the organization and employees.
• Restructuring: Workflow may be altered due to conflict and may become less efficient as employees cover for those not available.

Conflict arises in our work systems for many reasons. Weak or inadequate leadership can set the stage for a variety of employee issues. A boss who will not confront poor performance or attendance in an employee leaves the other employees irritated, frustrated and resentful. A supervisor who favors one employee more than another alienates the rest of his employees creating more resentment, and even distrust. Poor or limited communication from management can leave a team confused and unclear regarding the goals and direction of the company. A manager unclear or vague about employee job duties creates an atmosphere prone to infighting, lowered morale and negativity, all symptoms of unresolved conflict.

Conflict may not be the result of a leadership problem. Sometimes there may be a difference of personalities in one work area where individuals simply “get on each other’s nerves,” or offend each other without really knowing it. Symptoms of such situations may be gossiping, picking on each other directly, or more passive-aggressively. Other employees may respond to such friction by withdrawing or staying to themselves hoping to avoid conflict at all cost. Unfortunately, in most cases, conflict requires attention before things get better. Don’t worry! There are ways to address conflict that lower the likelihood of things getting worse and increase the chances of things getting better. After all, doing nothing or the same thing again and again probably isn’t working.

Seven Conflict Resolution Skills

1. Organizing your feelings and thoughts.

Prior to communicating with someone about a conflict, it is vital to understand your own perceptions and feelings about the situation. Ask yourself the following questions: Why am I feeling so angry, hurt or frightened? What do I want to change? How much of this problem is mine and how much is theirs? Have I been clear and open about my needs with my supervisor or co-worker? Why not?

2. Initiating a discussion.

Ask the person(s) for an appointment to discuss a concern or issue, with a length of time in mind. They will want to know the topic so be ready to let them know in a positive way. Launching into a tough topic without warning someone can produce defensiveness and further problems.

3. Communicating your issue.

Express yourself clearly without accusation, sarcasm or hostility. This is much easier said than done! Completing Skill 1 will help you keep control of these emotions. Speaking only about yourself by using “I” statements will help you speak with purpose and avoid assumptions. E.g. “I think/feel________ when you_________ (because ___________). If you feel yourself getting angry, ask to take a break, take a little walk and do some deep breathing. Anger will only distract from your points, not to mention perhaps scaring or shutting down the other party. Remember to separate the person from the problem! Try staying focused on the problematic situation or behavior, not the person. E.g. “You are so controlling!” may be better heard as, “I feel discounted when you double-check my figures.”

4. Active listening in conflict resolution.

Information gathering is a critical part of getting to a resolution because many times we don’t understand all aspects of a situation or the other person’s perception. We just know that our experience of the situation is causing us discomfort. Asking questions and letting someone explain their side is the only way to get the big picture. Periodically checking in with the person(s) and making sure you are hearing them accurately and hitting the main points is a valuable skill and habit to develop.

5. Recognizing the need for and making personal changes.

There is a saying in the mental health field, “Spot it, you got it.” This saying refers to a common dynamic where we experience difficulty with another person because they possess a trait we don’t like in ourselves or have denied in ourselves. Interesting! If you find yourself continually irritated with the same thing in individuals, you might want to explore your own issues instead of all the other people. It’s easier! Unrealistic expectations and perfectionism can also set us up for more conflict because we are continuously disappointed in our co-workers and management. Understanding that our chronic disappointment in others stems from disappointment and harsh judgment of ourselves is very helpful on the road to becoming happier and healthier personally and in the workplace.

6. Summarizing results, identifying points of change and implementing your part of the agreement.

Once you have communicated your issue and heard the other party’s response you can summarize each side of the issue. The next step is to specify anticipated changes or duties of each party. Writing these down can keep the responsibilities clear for everyone. Plan the next time to meet or follow up if this seems necessary. If you are meeting with someone in a position of authority and you are not comfortable managing the end of a meeting, you can frame the above points as questions.

7. Seeking out resources as necessary.

There are conflict situations that are more than we can handle on our own. Maybe the situation is more complex or involves several individuals. You may feel vulnerable to retaliation or an irrational response in confronting someone. In these cases help is usually available through your organization’s human resource/ personnel office in the form of a mediator or someone assigned to assist in dispute resolution. Counseling through your Employee Assistance Program or a private provider can also help you take a look at your situation and determine the best direction for you.

It’s just a matter of time before you will have the opportunity to work through a challenging issue with a co-worker, friend or family member because conflict is a big part of relationships. Probably, M. Scott Peck sums up the opportunities of conflict better than anybody, “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow by conflict. —William Ellery Channing


By Rebecca R. Mild
Licensed Professional Counselor
Certified Employee Assistance Professional
INTEGRIS Corporate Assistance Program