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Q: I have a co-worker I’ve worked with for more than 10 years. In the past we’ve been good friends, but now I am more than frustrated with her. A few months ago, she borrowed $200 dollars from me for what she said was a financial crisis. A couple of weeks ago I asked her when she could pay it back and she told me it would be in a few months. Then, I overheard her talking to a co-worker about going out to a casino and losing $800. I am so upset! My husband told me to let it go and write off the money. I just can’t! It’s really affecting my attitude at work, especially when I have to be around my “ex-friend.” My boss has reprimanded me saying everyone is walking on egg shells around me because I am so irritable. How do I get past this? Should I forget about the money?
A: The type of frustration you express is that often heard from individuals impacted by addicts in their lives. Whether it’s a co-worker, a spouse, a friend or a son or daughter, there is a sense of betrayal, broken trust and feeling as if they don’t care a thing about you. Their poor decisions and using behaviors become all about supporting the addiction.
My assumption is that your “ex-friend” has been visiting casinos more than this one time and that her financial crisis was more likely linked to a gambling addiction. The belief is, “If I can just get a little more money, my big win is just around the corner and then I can pay off all I’ve borrowed and have more money to try for another big win.” There is often the accompanying fantasy that with a really big win, they can even help all their friends and family. It’s a vicious and destructive pattern that can leave individuals eventually with nothing, not even their jobs.
With your co-worker, compassion, while maintaining healthy boundaries, is the best response. Picture yourself reaching out a hand to help by letting her know you are concerned and can help her find assistance, but still keeping yourself safe and out of the path of poor decisions by not contributing anymore to her problem by loaning her money or covering for her in any way at work. (Check out the referral resources listed below.) If she’s open to help, perhaps paying you back will become part of her recovery program. If not, your husband is probably right, but you’ve learned a lot at the price of a day-long addiction seminar.
10 Questions About Gambling Behavior
- You have often gambled longer than you had planned.
- You have often gambled until your last dollar was gone.
- Thoughts of gambling have caused you to lose sleep.
- You have used your income or savings to gamble while letting bills go unpaid.
- You have made repeated, unsuccessful attempts to stop gambling.
- You have broken the law or considered breaking the law to finance your gambling.
- You have borrowed money to finance your gambling.
- You have felt depressed or suicidal because of your gambling losses.
- You have been remorseful after gambling.
- You have gambled to get money to meet your financial obligations.
- (National Problem Gambling Helpline Network)
Mental health professionals are seeing more of this problem impacting the workplace due to the increase in gambling opportunities: more casinos, the poker craze and the ease of Internet gambling. If you or someone you know is experiencing a gambling problem, consider these resources.
Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) are usually available to employees. You can check with your personnel or human resources department. These mental health professionals can assist you in assessing your particular problem and provide you with referral information for the appropriate level of treatment.
Q: I recently received an e-mail attachment from a good friend of mine at work. Attached were 3 pictures of naked women. I was really shocked that this particular friend sent this. We both know the rules at our company and we both know the organization is capable of monitoring e-mail and Web activity. We have talked about it! It really feels strange. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to get in trouble and I sure don’t want any problems. Any ideas?
A: This is a more common problem than you might think. It is hard to believe that with all the news stories and employee education that people still access inappropriate material or in this case, pornography, at the workplace. Many employees know of first-hand examples of automatic terminations due to this type of behavior.
After you delete the material, which you’ve probably already done, I would recommend you let your friend know right away that you want no part of any such material. You want to do it by e-mail so you have a record of your response with date and time and then you want to confront him in person. Document your discussion with him as well.
Remember the pattern of poor decisions always associated with addictions? When someone you feel like you really know exhibits such poor judgment involving pornographic images, you have to consider that they may have an addiction to this type of stimulation. Without getting into the whys of this problem, and without trying to diagnose your friend, you can let him know of your concern and pass information on to him (see below).
Addictions involving the computer are common. Whether it’s too much time Web surfing, or shopping on E-Bay, or chatting or pornography. The end result is it steals precious time from relationships, from family and from more productive behaviors, such as work. If people can accept they have a problem, there is help. Good luck!
Questions Regarding Computer Addiction
Reading through these questions and answering honestly will give you an idea as to whether or not you have a problem. You will want to see a professional for an assessment to be sure.
- Has a friend or family member ever told you, you spend too much time on the computer?
- Are you not getting things done at work or at home because you can’t make yourself get away from a certain site or get up from the computer?
- Do you set limits for yourself on the amount of time you will spend on the computer and then consistently go past that time?
- Do you get defensive when someone brings up the amount of time you spend on the computer?
- Do you spend time worrying that you are not spending enough time with family and find that you still spend the same amount of time on the computer?
- Do you regularly get irritated at family members for being on the computer when you want to be on?
Questions Regarding Pornography Addiction
- Are you accessing pornographic sites?
- Have you stored pornographic images on your home computer?
- Have you intentionally accessed pornographic images at your workplace?
- Have you had to hide what you are doing on your home computer from a family member?
By Rebecca R. Mild-Williams
Licensed Professional Counselor
Certified Employee Assistance Professional
INTEGRIS Corporate Assistance Program
For further information regarding computer addictions, consider the following resources.
For general computer addiction information and resources: www.intervention.com
Center for Online and Internet Addiction:
www.netaddiction.com/resources/referral_links.htm
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