Most working adults spend 40-60 hours a week at their workplace. It’s inevitable that outside problems are going to distract us or leave us too worn out to be as productive as we like to be at our jobs. 

While there are lots of issues and problems we may have to deal with while at work, one of the most overwhelming and distracting types of issues involves problems in our most intimate relationships, whether it’s with a spouse, a significant other or a life partner. Relationship problems can render the most productive, positive person quite dysfunctional. 

Have you ever had those days at work when all you can think about is the argument you had with your partner? You replay it, fantasize about what you should have said and just generally feel consumed with the experience. Answers and hope, at that time, feel beyond your reach. You’re tired because you were too upset to sleep so the day just seems glum, yet the work is still there. 

At work, you may observe yourself forgetting things, being less friendly or approachable, or having great difficulty finishing tasks. Maybe it’s a certain unresolved issue, maybe you have several issues or maybe you are going through a time when you wonder if this relationship is even doable. Whatever the case, it’s easy to be overcome with worry and anxiety because you just don’t know how to make it better. You have a case of the relationship blues.

Things you can do if you find yourself overcome at work with relationship blues:

• Short relaxation breaks. For five minutes, slow down your breathing with deep abdominal breaths, and close your eyes. You can be prayerful or just tell yourself you are all right and everything will be all right.
• Use half of your lunch break to take a brisk walk. Exercise can give you an energy boost and keep your mood elevated.
• Jot down any ideas you have during the day that may help the relationship issue.
• Call a friend or someone you trust and ask for a time to talk with them. Just knowing you can discuss your feelings at some point can give you relief.
• Call your significant other and schedule a time to talk. Keep in mind, 96 percent of the time, if a discussion begins with a harsh start-up, it will end with a negative outcome. (Gottman, 1999)
• Use your lunch break to look through relationship resources at the bookstore or library. Remember, new ideas can help you get unstuck.

Occasional relationship blues are normal and expected. If the situation becomes more chronic and persistent, outside help in some form is recommended, whether it’s a therapist, pastor or just someone you both trust. Getting help early on for more significant problems increases the likelihood of positive results as a couple. 

John Gottman, Ph.D., and his colleagues have been conducting scientific research on married couples for many years and have come up with some very interesting findings. According to Gottman, happy marriages are based on deep friendships. “The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship.” (Gottman, 1999) So, regarding gender differences, on this concept, men and women agree.
 
Being connected as friends is vital for healthy, long-term, intimate relationships. Many of us can more easily understand what it takes to be a good friend, the behaviors and language that go along with friendship, than what it takes to be a spouse, lover or life partner. Losing sight of the “ways” of friendship just because it’s a long-term relationship often results in unrealistic expectations, endless disappointments, unproductive conflict and many cases of relationship blues. 

For a lot of people, friendships are challenging to maintain, for many reasons. Getting individual assistance from a professional can really help you understand yourself better and then help you chart a course to build more rewarding relationships. 

If we accept that maintaining a deep friendship is the goal for a healthy, intimate relationship, are there some preventive things we can do to lessen our chances of experiencing relationship blues? Definitely! Doing things for your partner that are considerate, encouraging or helpful can keep the next blow-up from being so destructive. “I now know that the key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you’re not fighting.”(Gottman, 1999) 

Focusing on the day-to-day opportunities for improving and enriching our most important friendship can be a more productive way of viewing our situation than focusing on solving differences or eliminating conflict.

Consider some of these ideas for building your friendship with your partner:

• Buy or make 10 greeting cards and give your partner one per week. Put it on your calendar if you need a reminder.
• Filter your comments and try to focus on the positive. Challenge yourself to say one positive comment a day.
• Give your partner 10 minutes a day of your undivided attention, and ask about his or her day. Again, there’s nothing wrong with writing yourself a reminder until it becomes habit.
• At least twice a week, tell your partner you have 30 minutes or an hour to help with something he or she is doing.
• Call your partner once a day just to check in. Keep it brief and upbeat.
• Be generous with hugs and touches.
• Plan something to look forward to, even if it’s just a drive or simple dinner out.
• Have lunch with your partner once a week. Take turns bringing lunch to the other’s workplace.
• Always thank your partner for the little things he or she does, even if it’s something that’s been done for years like mowing the lawn or folding your clothes.
• Schedule time to discuss anything negative so that most of the week, positive is the norm.

 Maintaining feelings of fondness and admiration for our partners is also very important according to Gottman, because without these feelings, our relationships are in serious trouble. Our emotional and physical attraction to our partner is greatly dependent on these feelings. So, finding ways to think positively about your partner will build your respect for them and thus increase attraction.
Even though this is easier said than done, give it a try. One idea is to make an appreciation note each day, I appreciate ___________ in my partner. If things have gotten really bad, you can pretend to appreciate them until something shines through. When it does, and it will, acknowledge the behavior. 

Avoiding the frequency of relationship blues is possible! These are just a few ideas. Hopefully, reframing your intimate relationship as a friendship will give you some ideas and a more hopeful outlook. Don’t stop with this article! Read more of John Gottman’s materials (see below) and don’t hesitate to reach out for help. If there’s anything left to hang onto in your relationship, it’s worth working for.

Good luck!

By Rebecca R. Mild
Licensed Professional Counselor
Certified Employee Assistance Professional
INTEGRIS Corporate Assistance Program


Resources:

John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles For Making a Marriage Work, Three Rivers Press, 1999.

John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire, The Relationship Cure, Three Rivers Press, 2001.