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Addictions and Workplace Fallout

I have a co-worker I’ve worked with for more than 10 years. In the past we’ve been good friends, but now I am more than frustrated with her. A few months ago, she borrowed $200 dollars from me for what she said was a financial crisis. A couple of weeks ago I asked her when she could pay it back and she told me it would be in a few months. Then, I overheard her talking to a co-worker about going out to a casino and losing $800. I am so upset! My husband told me to let it go and write off the money. I just can’t! It’s really affecting my attitude at work, especially when I have to be around my “ex-friend.” My boss has reprimanded me saying everyone is walking on eggshells around me because I am so irritable. How do I get past this? Should I forget about the money?

The type of frustration you express is that often heard from individuals impacted by addicts in their lives. Whether it’s a co-worker, a spouse, a friend or a son or daughter, there is a sense of betrayal, broken trust and feeling as if they don’t care a thing about you. Their poor decisions and using behaviors become all about supporting the addiction.

My assumption is that your “ex-friend” has been visiting casinos more than this one time and that her financial crisis was more likely linked to a gambling addiction. The belief is, “If I can just get a little more money, my big win is just around the corner and then I can pay off all I’ve borrowed and have more money to try for another big win.” There is often the accompanying fantasy that with a really big win, they can even help all their friends and family. It’s a vicious and destructive pattern that can leave individuals eventually with nothing, not even their jobs.

With your co-worker, compassion, while maintaining healthy boundaries, is the best response. Picture yourself reaching out a hand to help by letting her know you are concerned and can help her find assistance, but still keeping yourself safe and out of the path of poor decisions by not contributing anymore to her problem by loaning her money or covering for her in any way at work. (Check out the referral resources listed below.) If she’s open to help, perhaps paying you back will become part of her recovery program. If not, your husband is probably right, but you’ve learned a lot at the price of a day-long addiction seminar.

10 Questions About Gambling Behavior

1. You have often gambled longer than you had planned.
2. You have often gambled until your last dollar was gone.
3. Thoughts of gambling have caused you to lose sleep.
4. You have used your income or savings to gamble while letting bills go unpaid.
5. You have made repeated, unsuccessful attempts to stop gambling.
6. You have broken the law or considered breaking the law to finance your gambling.
7. You have borrowed money to finance your gambling.
8. You have felt depressed or suicidal because of your gambling losses.
9. You have been remorseful after gambling.
10. You have gambled to get money to meet your financial obligations.

(National Problem Gambling Helpline Network)

Mental health professionals are seeing more of this problem impacting the workplace due to the increase in gambling opportunities: more casinos, the poker craze and the ease of Internet gambling. If you or someone you know is experiencing a gambling problem, consider these resources.

Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) are usually available to employees. You can check with your personnel or human resources department. These mental health professionals can assist you in assessing your particular problem and provide you with referral information for the appropriate level of treatment.

Gamblers Anonymous: isomain@gambleranonymous.org

National Council on Problem Gambling: www.ncpgambling.org

National Problem Gambling Helpline Network: 1-800-522-4700

I recently received an e-mail attachment from a good friend of mine at work. Attached were 3 pictures of naked women. I was really shocked that this particular friend sent this. We both know the rules at our company and we both know the organization is capable of monitoring e-mail and Web activity. We have talked about it! It really feels strange. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to get in trouble and I sure don’t want any problems. Any ideas?

This is a more common problem than you might think. It is hard to believe that with all the news stories and employee education that people still access inappropriate material or in this case, pornography, at the workplace. Many employees know of first-hand examples of automatic terminations due to this type of behavior.

After you delete the material, which you’ve probably already done, I would recommend you let your friend know right away that you want no part of any such material. You want to do it by e-mail so you have a record of your response with date and time and then you want to confront him in person. Document your discussion with him as well.

Remember the pattern of poor decisions always associated with addictions? When someone you feel like you really know exhibits such poor judgment involving pornographic images, you have to consider that they may have an addiction to this type of stimulation. Without getting into the whys of this problem, and without trying to diagnose your friend, you can let him know of your concern and pass information on to him (see below).

Addictions involving the computer are common. Whether it’s too much time Web surfing, or shopping on E-Bay, or chatting or pornography. The end result is it steals precious time from relationships, from family and from more productive behaviors, such as work. If people can accept they have a problem, there is help. Good luck!

Questions Regarding Computer Addiction
Reading through these questions and answering honestly will give you an idea as to whether or not you have a problem. You will want to see a professional for an assessment to be sure.

• Has a friend or family member ever told you, you spend too much time on the computer?
• Are you not getting things done at work or at home because you can’t make yourself get away from a certain site or get up from the computer?
• Do you set limits for yourself on the amount of time you will spend on the computer and then consistently go past that time?
• Do you get defensive when someone brings up the amount of time you spend on the computer?
• Do you spend time worrying that you are not spending enough time with family and find that you still spend the same amount of time on the computer?
• Do you regularly get irritated at family members for being on the computer when you want to be on?

Questions Regarding Pornography Addiction

• Are you accessing pornographic sites? 
• Have you stored pornographic images on your home computer?
• Have you intentionally accessed pornographic images at your workplace?
• Have you had to hide what you are doing on your home computer from a family member?

For further information regarding computer addictions, consider the following resources.

The warning signs of computer addiction: www.warningsigns.info/computer_addiction

For general computer addiction information and resources: www.intervention.com

Center for Online and Internet Addiction: www.netaddiction.com/resources/referral_links.htm

Fighting Negative Influences In Your Work Area

My boss shows favoritism in my workplace. He socializes with a couple of the guys in our area and even though they are not the “workers” in our department, they get to come and go as they please and stand in for him when he’s gone. It is really affecting morale in the rest of our work crew. What can we do?

The worst thing about a situation like this is it sends the message to the hardest workers, that their hard work will not be acknowledged or rewarded. Now some with strong work ethics will continue their efforts because putting forth less effort is not an option for them, but their morale will nose dive. Other workers will back off, only doing what they have to do. Feelings of discouragement and frustration will build, and an “us against them” mentality instead of a team or family feeling will prevail. This is a bad situation for an organization, because eventually the best performers will leave and the system will be left with under performers. The long term result will be an organization that can’t keep up in our highly competitive markets due to a lack of creativity and productivity.

If upper management operates the same way as your manager, there is not much hope for change. This means there is a high tolerance for this management behavior and you will not be heard if you go to someone above your supervisor. Possibly, you could create more problems for yourself. If you have new upper management or you think your supervisor has gotten away with showing favoritism because no one knows, it might be worth a try to approach upper management professionally. By professionally, I mean with the documented facts and with documentation of when and how you have tried to communicate with your direct supervisor about the problem. Good luck!

I have a co-worker who is constantly talking to me about negative subjects, whether it’s her home life or picking at our co-workers. I think it is really bringing me down and I just don’t know what to do about it. Any ideas?

Negativity is toxic. It’s just like exposure to a harmful chemical in the air or on our food. Our bodies can tolerate some exposure without getting sick, but too much exposure can produce cancer or other illnesses. We are what we think and our thoughts are influenced by those around us. Whatever you need to do to lessen your exposure to this person’s negative thoughts will help you. You may also want to counter the impact of what you still end up hearing by putting positive thoughts or encouraging messages on paper and keep them where you can read them regularly. (Remember, don’t take on changing him or her.)

Here are some other ideas for you to consider:

• Take five minute walks a few times a day around your work area or the building. This energy burst will clear your mind and energize your body, making positive thoughts easier to access.
• If your job allows, use headphones during down times or breaks. There are great books on tape, some funny and inspirational. Have these available, instead of an ear for your co-worker’s negativity.
• Tell the person(s) you have decided to focus on the positives at your workplace and that if you seem more quiet or actually walk away when negative talk occurs, that’s why.
• Make sure you are a part of contributing to positive energy by bringing up better subjects to discuss and encouraging the positive behaviors in those around you.
  

Challenging Bosses

My boss is a real jerk. No matter what I try to do to please her, it still seems I can’t do anything right and I feel like I’m under a microscope.


Remember that control issues or perfectionism in your boss does not necessarily mean you are not good enough. It’s important to not personalize her issues even if she is standing by your shoulder. The way she is acting probably has far more to do with her own insecurities about not being good enough than your actual skills and abilities.

Ask her what you can do to make her feel more confident in your abilities. Maybe you could meet for a few minutes a day and brief her on your progress and provide samples of your work. You could ask her to provide you a list of her biggest concerns or fears regarding work quality. Then, you could specifically reassure her on these points during your briefings.

Step back and look at the situation without personalizing the boss’ behaviors.

Evaluate and move toward your boss’ concerns by trying to understand and provide alternative suggestions for reassuring and trust building.

For example: “I know it can’t be comfortable for you to stand behind my chair and strain to see the computer screen. Can I bring you this document when I finish, for your review?”




When it comes to having to ask for something for his employees or taking up for us to other departments, my boss is a big wimp. He is so worried about what the higher ups will think of him, he won’t even try! I have lost respect for him.

Not being able to take a stand, wanting to avoid conflict or wanting to be liked by everyone are just a few possible reasons for weak leadership. Sometimes a manager lacks the required job skills to manage properly, or maybe he is just burned out. People can and do work for managers they don’t respect. You just need to evaluate the situation and decide if you are one of those people.

If you have an idea about why your boss seems weak, again, step back and decide how you can best work with him or around him. For example, if your boss needs to be liked, avoid topics that are emotionally charged or suggest contentious situations and handle those on your own, if possible, or define your own work perimeters and stick to that. In other words, just do your job. This may mean you lower your expectations regarding change and future improvements.

If this is not possible, you can go to your boss’ boss with your concerns. You run the risk that senior management will prefer to look the other way; in other words, the organization may have a high tolerance for weak leadership. And don’t forget, you can always look for another job.

Dressing for Success

I work in a bank with a business dress code. I wear pantyhose, skirts and dresses every day, but when I look around, I’m the only one. My co-workers and even my boss wear slacks, open collar shirts and sneakers. And some of the younger staff really push it with the low cut shirts and blouses! I’m very frustrated! If I say something, and management gets involved, everyone will be mad at me. Do I dress down and join everyone or keep my more formal dress code? 

That depends on how you see yourself within the organization and your goals for yourself professionally. If you plan on staying in banking and want to be seen as professional, a leader, I would recommend you continue with your professional business attire in spite of what’s going on around you. If you want to become a bank manager, look like a bank manager. At least you are setting a good example and probably impressing customers. (Someone in management may be impressed as well!) If you are comfortable in your current position and are not concerned with promotions, I would follow the lead of your supervisor. If you still look pulled together and still “feel” professional dressing down, why not be more comfortable?

Keep in mind that many businesses have a more relaxed dress code in the summertime for coolness and comfort. For example, men and women may forgo the sports jacket or blazer with slacks in the hot months. Also, casual Fridays are a common practice in many organizations. You might consider giving yourself Fridays off from your usual business attire. This might help you feel less frustrated without compromising your overall values.

Dress codes can be controversial. For example, many women and men assume “business attire” means women wear make-up and style their hair. Other men and women don’t see it this way. Is it all right to require female employees to wear makeup? Does it depend on the business? This is just one example of where appearance mandates can get sticky and even be experienced as discriminatory.

For this reason, most organizational policy includes appearance “guidelines,” only getting involved with infractions that present health issues (e.g. glue-on nails, poor hygiene) safety issues (e.g. jewelry, facial hair that interferes with protective gear sealing) or are offensive to customers or co-workers (e.g. tattoos, piercing; stomachs or cleavage showing).

The best advice would be to dress in a manner that is consistent with how you feel about yourself on your best days and that reflects respect for the organization for which you work. If you do this, it won’t be your appearance that keeps you from moving forward in your career!




I’m confused! Are sandals or any open-toed shoe considered appropriate business attire? In my professional magazines, the ads always show women wearing high-heeled sandals.

Footwear without socks or hosiery is not seen as hygienic. So if you work in the medical field or the food service industry, chances are you can’t wear open-toed shoes. In standard business organizations, it varies. For some, open-toed shoes are acceptable if they look “professional” and don’t have a heel higher than 2 inches. For more conservative, formal businesses, any open-toed shoe is not acceptable and hosiery or socks are always required. You should check your company dress code policy just to be safe.

Look below for a general review of business attire for those of us who don’t know or need a review!

Appropriate Business Attire Includes:

Men’s Clothing Options (all items listed together MUST coordinate):

• Business suit, dress shirt (tucked-in), tie, belt, AND dress socks
• Sport coat, dress slacks with dress shirt (button-down) and long or short sleeve and tucked-in), belt, tie, AND dress socks
• Slacks with dress shirt (tucked-in), tie, belt, AND dress socks
• Slacks, banded collar shirt (tucked-in), belt, tie AND dress socks

Women’s Clothing Options (all items listed together MUST coordinate):

• Business suit (slacks), blouse, AND nylons, tights or trouser socks
• Business suit (skirt), blouse, AND nylons or tights
• Business dress with sleeves AND nylons or tights
• Business dress WITH blazer or sweater AND nylons or tights
• Slacks with blouse (tucked-in) AND sweater AND nylons, tights, or trouser socks
• Slacks with blouse (tucked-in) AND jacket AND nylons, tights, or trouser socks
• Slacks with business blouse (tucked-in) AND nylons, tights, or trouser socks
• Skirt with blouse (tucked-in) AND sweater AND nylons or tights
• Skirt with blouse (tucked-in) AND jacket AND nylons or tights
• Skirt with business blouse (tucked-in) AND nylons or tights

Men’s Shoes:

• Coordinating dress shoes
• Coordinating dress boots

Women’s Shoes:

• Dress heels with heel NO higher than 2”
• Professional open-toed with or without a back strap with heels NO higher than 2”
• Knee-length dress boots with heel NO higher than 2”

Men’s Clothing NOT allowed:

• Any casual clothing or shorts
• Cargo pants, or pants with lettering or symbols of any kind
• Denim (in any color)
• Tank tops, T-shirts, polo shirts, Hawaiian shirts
• Letterman’s jackets or any other athletic gear
• Any tattered or stained clothing
• Undergarments showing
• Hats or caps of any kind
• Sunglasses
• Bolo ties
• Athletic or casual socks
• Construction, industrial, military, or cowboy boots

Women’s Clothing NOT allowed:

• Skirts more than 2” above the knee
• Any casual clothing or shorts
• Cargo pants or pants with lettering or symbols of any kind
• Denim (in any color)
• Tank tops, T-shirts, shirts with spaghetti straps, polo shirts, Hawaiian shirts, or shirts showing midriffs or cleavage, or see-through clothing
• Dresses with spaghetti straps WITHOUT a jacket
• Mini-skirts or skorts
• Capri pants or cropped pants
• Spandex
• Undergarments showing
• Lettermen’s jacket or any other athletic gear
• Tattered or stained clothing
• Hats or caps of any kind
• Sunglasses
• Athletic or casual socks
• Construction, industrial, military, or cowboy boots

Accessories, Piercings, and Tattoos:

• All accessories such as belts, shoes, jewelry, and scarves MUST coordinate with the business attire – no flashy or large jewelry pieces
• NO visible body piercings other than ears
• NO visible tattoos
• Maximum of one visible piercing per ear

Hair:

• Hair must present a natural color and style

Surviving the Workplace During the Holidays

I have too much to do this Christmas and not enough time, so I’ve been ordering some of my gifts online and having them delivered to my office. Is this bad to do?


It completely depends on your organization’s management. Check with your supervisor or manager. For many organizations, allowing employees to conduct personal business at scheduled breaks, and to receive deliveries, is no problem. There is a belief that as long as employees are getting their work done and there’s little workplace disruption, Web surfing or gift ordering is no problem. For others, there are strict rules regarding Internet use. You don’t want to be pulled into your supervisor’s office at a later date and asked about various Web site visits. At work, deliveries will probably depend on the size of staff and convenience or inconvenience of accepting deliveries.

The best advice overall, is to make sure you have approval from the powers that be.

You can also help each other in your workplace. I have heard of employees keeping an eye out for hard to find items, sales and even picking up items for co-workers.

Work is stressful at this time of year. When you add trying to shop, send Christmas cards, and keep up with the kids’ needs, actually enjoying this time of year feels out of reach for me. Do you have any suggestions?


Make a map of the holidays for yourself. You need paper, pen and a blank December calendar.

Write down everything you want to do. (For example, maybe bake cookies with the kids, look at Christmas lights, go caroling, invite friends, and spend special time with your partner.)

Write down everything you can think of that you need to do.

Write down your Christmas gift/card list. Put down everyone’s name and ideas for gifts for each including how much you can spend.

Write down the gifts you will need to mail and the date by which you need to mail them.

Now you’re ready for your private holiday calendar. It may be easiest to start with a blank month at a glance.

First, fill in your calendar with what you want to do with friends and family.

Second, fill in your calendar with what you have to get done. (Remember, don’t be a superman or woman. You can delegate some of the shopping, cards, mailing or household chores if you have an able partner or older child.)

Fill in the names of the people for whom you need to purchase gifts. For example, where you write the person’s name, that is the date you will purchase or order their gift.

Fill in the dates you need to mail items.

Copy the calendar and highlight some of the items if you have a partner who can handle them.

STICK TO IT! You will be much more likely to fit in the events and special moments that make memories if you make this kind of plan for the holidays.




I’m a supervisor and we lost a co-worker this year. No one seems in the mood to decorate or celebrate Christmas. Should I decorate and plan something to cheer them up, or just let it go this year?


Ask them. In a confidential e-mail or handout, ask them what they think about you decorating. Also ask them to indicate what they would like to do as a group for the holidays, if anything. Be sure and include a vote for NOTHING, because sometimes that’s just what people need.